Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Sing along to Hakuna Qatada

I saw a joke on twitter about writing a parody version of the Hakuna Matata song and thought sod it, how hard could it be. Well once you have read this you may decide it is very hard, or you may chuckle, either way enjoy. 

Oh and if anyone wants to make a youtube video singing this I would be delighted!

To the tune of Hakuna Matata by The Lion King

[TIMON]
Abu Qatada!
What a horrible shit

[PUMBA]
Abu Qatada!
A fucking ugly git

[TIMON]
He’ll claim benefits
For the rest of his days

[TIMON AND PUMBA]
It's his problem-free philosophy
Abu Qatada!

[TIMON]
Abu Qatada!


[YOUNG SIMBA]
[spoken] Abu Qatada?

[PUMBA]
[spoken] Yeah. The beardy extremist!

[YOUNG SIMBA]
[spoken] What's an extremeist?

[TIMON]
[spoken] They belong to the religion of peace! (laughs)
[PUMBA]
[spoken] That man will drive you insane.

[TIMON]
[spoken] That's right. Take Abu Hamza
[sung] Why...when he was scrounging git!

[PUMBA]
When he was scrounging git!
[TIMON]
[spoken] Very nice

[PUMBA]
[spoken] Thanks.

[TIMON]
He found his hook had a certain appeal
He could preach to dozens after every meal

[PUMBA]
He was a murderous soul
And it hurt that we couldn’t, deport him

[PUMBA]
And, oh, the shame
[TIMON]
Oh, the shame!
[PUMBA]
Labour’s eternal shame
[TIMON]
Even more shame
[PUMBA]
And they got downhearted
[TIMON]
How did they feel?
[PUMBA]
When Theresa May...

[TIMON]
[spoken] Hey, Pumbaa! No need to rub it in

[PUMBA]
[spoken] Oh, sorry.

[TIMON AND PUMBA]
Abu Qatada!
Can we deport him please
Abu Qatada!
His beard smells like cheese!

[YOUNG SIMBA]
We will deport him, whatever game he plays,

[ALL]
It's our terriorist-free, philosophy
Abu Qatada!
Abu Qatada! Abu Qatada!
Abu Qatada! Abu Qatada!
Abu Qatada! Abu Qatada!
Abu Qatada! Abu --

[(OLDER) SIMBA]
We will deport him, whatever game he plays
[ALL]
It's our terriorist-free, philosophy
Abu Qatada! [repeat]


By Robert

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Friday, 19 April 2013

Old Holborn & Free Speech

Why do people struggle with the concept of free speech. It's not hard, but so many seem to think free speech is the freedom to say what doesn't offend me. Well the professionally offended have been out in force and the story of Old Holborn is all over Twitter.

Lets just be clear about this, Old Holborn was a bit of a dick. He posted some horrible stuff, sometimes he could be funny but often he would be offensive. That shouldn't be hard to deal with on the internet, I mean you can ignore what he says. Even better than that Twitter has a block button, glorious my brothers we can never be offended by him again. I was horribly bullied as a child, both verbally and physically. You know what I was told, just ignore what they are saying, words can't hurt you. It's true you know, words are meaningless things to which we place a value. I get loads of abuse on Twitter, as you would expect when you say such controversial things as "I agree with the cap on benefits." You have 3 easy ways of dealing with online abuse, ignore, wind them up (my personal favourite) or block. I know how hard this is for the professionally offended. Hell when you offend them once they start looking through your Twitter history for more stuff to take offence at. When someone who has abused me for something I said then re tweets a comment from a month ago for their friends to have a go at you know you are dealing with an idiot. 




Old Holborn is having his life systematically ruined by these people. Publishing his address, phone number and sending death threats to his family. Phoning his place of work and making threats as well, is this covered by the malicious communications act? The aftershocks are already happening, @obotheclown has announced he is leaving twitter because he is worried about the security of his family and friends, the threat of exposure and possibly police action.

We stand at an important point in our history. The controversial issue of "hate crime" has been in the news as it now includes "goths" (beating someone to death should carry the same sentence whatever the reason, not carry more because of race, religion or how you dress), what's next? Carrot tops, fatties, half pints, blonde bimbos, slap heads or toffs? Press regulation is already making papers nervous before it comes in, how else can you explain Guido scooping over a month ahead that Rolf was being questioned by police? Now add Old Holborn, police looking in to his actions for being offensive. We won the last big battle, the "Twitter joke trial" but can we win this?

If anything I have said offends you please take time to explain it in writing, put it in an envelope and shove it up your arse! (Said in solidarity with Old Holborn)


Rob

Monday, 21 January 2013

Some points on Transgender - minus the keyboard warriors

Well well, Julie Burchill & Suzanne Moore have brought the trans debate to the mainstream hasn't it. Rather unfortunatre that any worthwhile point Burchill had to make about the treatment of her friend Moore got lost in a triade of abuse. Writing with passion is good, writing when obviously angry is very very bad. I have been on the recieving end of keyboard warriors, agenda pushers and people who are just angry. Often on twitter the measly 140 charecters is not sufficiant and the group of people I mentioned are only to happy to take something the wrong way. So here is me explaining a few of the areas of contention around my opinions on the transgender subject.




Sex/gender

Two areas to this for me, biological and mental. I will address the latter later and focus on the biological first.

Dictionary definition of sex, "either the male or female division of a species, especially as differentiated with reference to the reproductive functions." Which seems straightforward but as there is more than one definition it can get more complicated than it seems with one offering up divisions on a behavioral characteristics basis. Sticking to biology you can't change your DNA, so on a microscopic level you will always be male or female. The obvious exception of course being hermaphrodites, I honestly don't know if this can be seen at a DNA level. I did find this explanation on how it happens. "True hermaphrodites are due to specific mutations that cause the development of the sexual organs to be altered. They are usually born ambiguous (although there is a condition where what looks more like a female suddenly has tests drop at puberty)." In short it can be random. My feeling is someone will always, from a scientific point of view (biologically at least) you will always be a male or a female.

Now the mental. The definition for gender is more open to interpretation on who could fall in to what category and this is why, when you read the tweets on the subject gender is often used by trans people to explain things but as people don't understand the difference between sex and gender it gets confusing and debate descends in to chaos. This area is one where the nature/nurture argument comes up and it is never as straight forward as that. Sure if you brought up a girl as a boy their whole life chances are they would think they are a boy, but be honest, if it does happen (send me details if it has) it will be rare. All our brains are wired in a certain way and I wouldn't suggest, even for a moment, that you suddenly just choose to think that you are a woman/man. It just wouldn't make sense. Much like sexuality and sexual attraction something just clicks a certain way.

How you live

Now this is the one area where there is choice. You can choose to live as a woman or a man, and I say this as a positive thing so hear me out before you get angry. I did a bit of twitter research and noticed a few times that people would put down that they are a "part time" living as a trans man/woman. It struck me that this is similar to a gay person who hasn't "come out" to their friends and family. Living a lie as it were, scared of what may happen when they do reveal all. This is perfectly understandable. By revealing the truth you are bound to come in to some prejudice at some point so making that decision  is something that requires bravery.

You can't change your DNA, you can't change how you are wired but you can choose how to live. If you have been brave enough to take that leap then you should be proud of your choice because it was honest and brave. 


Robert

UPDATE: This from to add weight to some of my points http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-11814300 

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Friday, 4 January 2013

A plea from a broken man

Happy new year everyone, made any resolutions? If you smoke currently, used to or are starting to try to quit please read this and forward on to anyone you know in those camps. This is not a nag, just want to make that clear, this is just me sharing a story in a non judgmental manner. There is no point in anyone ramming the dangers of smoking down anyone's throats, we all know. It would take monumental amounts of stupidity to not realise smoking is bad for you.

I am have recently turned 29 and have a 16 month old boy, I love him more than I could describe and can't imagine a moment without him. I expect this is how most parents feel about their children. You just want to share in every moment. My mother in law was present at the birth of Thomas (my boy) and I know it was a special moment for her. Sadly my mother has never seen Thomas, never held him in her arms, never watched him stumble around the house learning to walk or utter half garbled words that only we understand. That's because my mother died in 2008 at the age of 48.

My mother always smoked, I never remember a period when she didn't smoke. It was just one of those things, because she always did it I never thought anything of it. While I have no medical proof to upload on here I am almost certain that her smoking contributed to a premature death. It was traumatic, the ambulance service didn't exactly hurry, the trauma of giving CPR to my mother for half an hour (roughly, time was vague as you could imagine) is something that I live with daily.

The emotions you go through in the aftermath of an event like this is hard to describe, pain and anger were the most common and it is in this I get to the point. I was angry at my mum for causing me such pain. Think about that for a moment, doesn't seem logical does it. Well she knew what she was putting in to her body could shorten her life but chose to do it. Now because of this every happy event in my life has a tinge of pain and sadness. Until such a day comes that I can rationalise in my head that she would be dead naturally this will be the case. Until I can do that every Christmas, birthday or significant event will always have a hint of sadness.

My mum never saw me get married, never got to hold her grandson in her arms and as time goes by will miss out on so much more. Worst of all I will be left feeling sad at a time when I should feel nothing but joy. Next time you are surrounded by loved ones think about all the amazing things in their future and ask yourself if you want to see them happen, still feel like lighting up?

If this has made you think about quitting go to http://smokefree.nhs.uk/quit-tools/quit-kit/ and please, give it a go.

Robert

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Thursday, 13 December 2012

Chuck the Charm it’s Time to Get Tough

This is a guest piece from @Battsby who was one of the inspirations behind this blog. Read more of his work at "When I'm King"


So there you are, driving along in your automobile, Chuck Berry appositely providing a soundtrack to your perfect afternoon. An empty road stretches out ahead, straight as a die and not a car in sight. Almost a mile in the distance you see a slouching figure approaching a pedestrian crossing. Obviously he’s going to look right, look left, look right again and cross in the knowledge that he has the best part of a minute to negotiate his passage. But no, of course he doesn’t do that, because the correct etiquette today is to press the button first, then proceed as outlined above and be well on his meandering way to buy crack or smack or cigarettes as you slide to a halt at an empty crossing.

My contempt for these people knows no bounds because not only is it extremely discourteous, it is a microcosmic example of the lengths people will go to in order to avoid thinking for themselves, or about others. It may be sheer ignorance, it may be a sense of entitlement, but whatever it is it needs nipping in the bud right now. The phenomenon of road related rage is well known, but today its petrol-fuelled headlessness spreads out across the land like a tin of toxic, tactless treacle, oozing its way everywhere, never to be fully rid from the fibres of our society. Getting your kicks on Route Sixty-six is more than likely to end up with getting your head kicked in, out in the sticks these days.
 b
We used to know how to behave in a crowd, a queue, an audience, but I see little evidence today of classic British good manners. Children loudly demand instant gratification and their teenage parents give in immediately, as they’ve been trained to do, the chocolate-covered little ingrates pressing sticky fingers everywhere as unembarrassed mothers hand over empty wrappers to be scanned at the checkout. They waddle around, these products of Cool Britannia, with no particular place to go and bellies bigger than Buster Bloodvessel, constantly grazing on garbage and leaving a trail of packaging behind them. Woe betide if you have a low-walled frontage because to them it is just a convenient skip.

Intervene in any way to correct, protect or prevent a breach of the peace and you will become a target. Once upon a long ago there was an expression “don’t cheek your elders”. One two three four - Happy days, five six seven eight - they’ll be swinging off your garden gate and calling you a pedophile. Then the law will be called in to ‘protect’ you from the vigilantes and pretty soon you’ll be hounded out of town. Because the law is on their side; they’ve got rights, haven’t you heard? All for politely requesting they use the bin provided not three feet away from where they are busily fouling their own patch.

It would be depressing enough if such behaviour was recognised as being wrong and as such was fought against on a variety of fronts but, sadly, at least part of the problem stems from sheer ignorance of once died-in-the-wool protocols coupled with an utter disregard for the rights of others.

Justice, Mr B style!


So, Come On! That’s Too Much Monkey Business but You Can’t Catch Me, they say. So maybe it’s time to begin the fight back? Maybe it’s time we returned to a system where the Bobby on the beat could administer a good old thrashing on the spot? If Johnny won’t B Goode he can suck my police state Ding-a-Ling till the Wee Wee Hours… and that’s about as many Chuck Berry songs as I dare cram into the final paragraph! Be courteous out there.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

In Defence Of Sexism


I have just sat through another sexist TV advert and my blood is boiling. But, you may be shocked to hear, it's not because the advert is sexist but that the powers that be allow men to be depicted in this way but what would happen if it was aimed at women?

Let me take you back to 2002 and the Yorkie "It's not for girls" campaign. I liked this, it was funny, very much "tongue in cheek" and if you have a sense of humour, utterly non offensive. The clip attached to this blog is a great example; I actually remember my mum proudly announcing that she would buy a Yorkie the next morning just because of the slogan. Sadly, stupidity followed, sampling activity based around the campaign was banned in several cities, including Birmingham and Liverpool, after being deemed "sexist." Now, I disagree with this, but if you set a standard you must stick to it. However it appears men are easy targets.

My first annoyance was with a Boots cold remedy advert. I think it has appeared a few times over the cold and flu seasons. Two women, full of cold, talking about how busy they are and how their poor husband's are at home suffering from "a bit of a cold," oh the poor mites. Obviously all men are useless hypochondriacs when faced with a sniffle. This is not my experience at all, but hey, lets have a laugh at men, the useless bastards.

Recently it is the Christmas adverts from ASDA and Morrison's. Of course what happens at Christmas is men do nothing to help. It is far too dangerous to allow a man to do anything without direct supervision because he would get it wrong. I couldn't begin to describe the amount of work my Dad did to provide for a good Christmas for us as a family and I don't know any family where both parents were together where this wasn't the case. But hey, massive brands are allowed to demean men in this way. Just a thought on the ASDA advert, if your man leaves you to sit on the bean bag for Christmas dinner, dump him, seriously, don't let his arse touch the floor as you kick him out.

But should they ban these adverts with demeaning stereotypes of men? No, absolutely not. Don't take them seriously, they shouldn't be taken seriously and you know what? This is a free world. Ladies can buy a different company's chocolate bar if they are so offended, I can shop somewhere other than the offending supermarkets and get cold remedies from Superdrug. Vote with your feet people!

Also, could you poke fun at women in the same way? Well I don't think so. Let's say someone has invented a way to install an automatic parking system on any car (such devices exist in some new cars but it is not mainstream yet) and to do it cheaply. My advert opens with a small car struggling to park in a bay, cut to inside and the woman shakes her head, smiles at a man in the seat next to her and asks him to park. It would work like a montage of similar clips of women failing miserably to park leaving frustrated men to park the cars while women walk away in various moods. Then some clever slogan and explanation of the amazing auto parking system. What do you think would happen? No worse than the ASDA advert is it? But just imagine the reaction.

Much like referees in football matches it is consistency I want. So I say let the adverts happen but when some feminists get their knickers in a twist over some slight let's remind them of ASDA and Boots. Lets ask them what they think of the demeaning way men are portrayed in those adverts and suggest they get a life. But women will never be portrayed like that, ad men and women will be far too scared to do so. It's career suicide and they know it, best stick to picking on men.

Robert



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Thursday, 22 November 2012

Page 3, national institution or sexist relic?


Following the success of the Q&A debate on Abortion we have decided to pick another topic currently hot on the Twittersphere, page 3.

Like before the purpose of this is to allow people to express their opinions without the usual rubbish that often gets thrown around. With that in mind please do not abuse any of the participants, feel free to make a comment but any nasty ones will be removed.

So now may I hand you over to @LadyFeckless (answers in green) and @TurnerInk (answers in red)

1) First of all, tell us a bit about yourselves.

I'm a freelance writer living and working in London.
 
I am a 31 year old accountant from Manchester, with a 9 year old son. 

2) What daily paper do you read, if any and why?

I don't read a daily newspaper. But I read the Sunday Times. 


I read The Sun, The Daily Mail and The Financial Times. The latter is for work, obviously.  The tabloids provide some light relief and also have similar political views to mine.

  
4) Why do you support/oppose the ban?
 

Page 3 needs to dropped. Today. By having women represented in this way sends a very dangerous message to young people. It says to girls 'this is all you're good for, this is what men want from you, this is what you need to look like.' At a time when the Police have released figures this week showing boys as young as 10 being arrested for rape and sexual assault, why fuel the perceptions of women/girls as being ready and available? 


This is very difficult to answer briefly, as there are several arguments as to why Page 3 should not be banned.  However, my main concern is the banning of things in general.  As a society, we are far too quick to ban something for fear of offending someone.  In a free society it is inevitable that some people will do things that we do not like. It’s the trade-off we make to lead lives that we choose for ourselves.  If we ban Page 3, I would question of where do we draw the line?  Do we ban everything that offends someone?  No, of course we don't.  If Page 3 is abolished, I feel it would be adding to the 'nanny state' that is already so prevalent.
 

5) Would you want the Page 7 Fella banned if it was still around?

Yes, it's ridiculous. It was introduced to try and provide balance. 'Oooh look we're representing women in a demeaning and sexualised way; let's do the same with men.' Like that makes it ok. 

No, of course not.  They should bring it back.  There are similar items in women's magazines still, yet no one ever makes a complaint about these.  Topless man, or topless woman.  Makes no difference.  Feminists campaigned for years for equality, yet they are trying to take this equality away by banning Page 3. 


6) These women choose to do this, is this not feminism? Women who have been quoted as saying they enjoy what they do, earn well and feel empowered.
 

Please, let's not go down the feminism route. It's not about the women. If they want to feel 'empowered' (yeah, right) stripping their clothes off, go and work in a strip club. Being anti page 3 is not being anti strippers or anti women's choice. It's about being anti strippers in a national newspaper. 

Exactly.  It is all about freedom of choice.  I have no desire to be, nor have I ever had any desire, to be a Page 3 girl. However, this is my choice, no one else's. By the same token, if a woman chooses to become a glamour model, that is also her choice and no one has the right to tell her otherwise.


7) Has the phone hacking scandal and the links to The Sun, with the most well known page 3 ladies, played a part in the recent surge in the no campaign?
 
No, I don't think so. I think intelligent, developed people are realising that images of half naked, sexualised and provocative women in a readily available national newspaper has no place in a modern progressive society; much like smoking in cinemas, the use of the N word on national TV and putting homosexuals in prison for being gay. I think in a few years time our children will look at us aghast and say "there were topless women? In a national newspaper?" And we'll have to explain why it took so long to get rid of it. It's something out of the Benny Hill/Carry On era. It's archaic. It needs to go. 


I can see people using this as an argument, however I can't see how it has any relevance at all. 

 
8) People have choice, what do you say to those who suggest that if you don't like it, don't buy it?
 

People still see it whether they buy the paper or not. It's left on the train, on the kitchen table, in the school playground. It's all around us. What does it do to a young boy's sexual and emotional development do you think when the first time he sees boobs, other than his mother's, they're strapped to a 17 year old in a national newspaper, wedged between stories about the X Factor, dodgy MPs and cheating footballers? 

I agree with this completely.  There are very few things that offend me.  In fact, there is nothing that comes to mind that offends me.  However, to illustrate the point, I don't like One Direction, so I don't buy their albums.  By the same token, I can't stand TOWIE, so I don't watch it.  The same should apply to newspapers. 

   
9) What damage can Page 3 do?
 

Remember when The Sun had a countdown to the day Samantha Fox was 16 so they could show pictures of her topless? I mean how disgusting is that? These Sun readers are the first to be outraged if a paedophile moves to their town. But think leering over a 16 year old's naked breasts is perfectly acceptable; harmless fun even. What's also particularly excruciating is the copy that now accompanies Chantelle, 17, from Birmingham where she gives her 'opinion' on a current event. "What's happening in Israel right now is awful" she opines. "There needs to be a ceasefire immediately". It's hard to take anyone seriously when they're  standing in a Primark thong, looking alluringly into the camera, layered in lipgloss with their nips standing to attention. It's all about context.  Pornography - and these images are pornographic which ever way you want to wrap it up - should be something that only adults should be able to get their hands on. Not children.
 

I don't see that Page 3 can do any harm at all.  There have been arguments that Page 3 is linked to cases of rape and sexual assault. There is absolutely no evidence to support this claim and I just cannot believe there is any causal link between men viewing pictures of topless women, and specific acts of violence against women. It should also be pointed out that, to submit to the idea that Page 3 causes rape and sexual assault, is to remove some of the blame from the people who perpetrate these abhorrent crimes.
   Completely wrong in my opinion. 
 
10) Please summarise your thoughts.

Get rid of Page 3 now.


If anything, Page 3 shows women that they can become independent women with fabulous careers, who have no need to be financially dependent on a man. I do not see how this can be a bad thing.
 


My summary

I have to admit that I had a very one sided opinion coming in to this debate. Firmly in the yes to page three camp. I had the view that this was another case of banning something that offends someone and I am fed up with that. However @TurnerInk has made me think a little (wipe that smug look off your face please). Good news page three lovers, I still think banning it is the wrong thing to do. However, this is partial nudity distributed in the media.

My solution would be simple, allow them to run page three or as in other papers topless pictures wherever they want but have age restriction laws associated with the content. Have a think, would you want that level of nudity on a TV show at 8am? Not that there is because they aren't allowed to. With the guidelines in place they can be circulated to the print media to follow. This may have the added benefit of protecting famous people from being "exposed" for topless bathing on a private beach. 



So everyone could be happy, children protected from exposure to unsuitable images and the models can carry on with their career choice. What do you think?

Robert

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Wednesday, 21 November 2012

BAH, HUMBUG!

Don't be fooled, this man is the Grinch.

Why can’t individuals make decisions for themselves? Surely this country and those who inhabit this island are in the predicament we are because of the "spend now pay later" epidemic.  Christmas isn't just about presents and those who say it is well you deserve to have none! Christmas is a spiritual time, even if you're not religious, it is an opportunity in the mad rush of the 21st Century to spend quality time with the family;  I cherish the Christmas break to be able to wake up for a few days on the trot and sit down to breakfast with my children, go for walks, kick a ball around outside.  The simple things that don’t cost a fortune.

Yes, Christmas can be stressful, but its down to planning.  It’s not an event that you don’t know about.  It’s an annual event, therefore budget for it throughout the year!  Put money away each month or aim to buy something non perishable that can be used.  I can comprehend where Martin Lewis is coming from, however this is again the notion of the nanny state and removal of personal responsibility.

Careful planning for an event that comes up annually is not rocket science nor is it a burden, over spending on stupid items and food that will be thrown away is.  Therefore before going all out with the “lets ban presents” think, plan and prepare for a Christmas that is far less stressful and cheaper than rushing round on Christmas Eve.
Merry Christmas All
S

Monday, 12 November 2012

The Demise of Comet: who's to blame?

Another well known name has bitten the dust and it doesn't look like being saved. Most likely a few independents may spring up in the space vacated and take on any stock left at the stores, but many of the vast spaces will close down and any leftover stock will be gobbled up by someone like Dixons. Just to establish my credentials for this, I work for a company that sells IT solutions to retailers. Researching industry trends is a big part of my job, and this closure doesn't surprise me one bit.

One thing that must be established is that the internet is not to blame; it's not the internet's fault - the internet is blameless! Have I made myself clear? I hope so - anyone who fails to understand that the internet is blameless in this please stop reading and get back to your crayons.


Why, oh why do people always blame the rise of the evil e-Commerce site when a large retailer goes bust? Well, it's easy and most people won't understand why it's not true. Plus, senior management want another job, and saying, "we didn't adequately plan for the future," isn't going to attract future employers. The problem retailers are facing is an increasingly technology-savvy consumer who often want more options than their technology offers.


Have you ever looked for something online to make sure it is in stock before you leave the house? Or been to look round a store at some products then ordered online? A few of you may have used a smart phone app to check prices whilst you are in the store to see if it is cheaper somewhere else. These situations are just a drop in the ocean of the ways consumers now shop. If you fall behind, you fail. Look at John Lewis, they are the example of how to do it right and they are thriving.


Comet simply fell behind and slowly declined to this point thanks to a management who failed to see the way forward and were burdened with more sites than they needed. One of the developments in the changing face of retail is the need for fewer stores for national coverage. What worries me more is that plenty of people I speak to are dismissive of the need to invest in technology. Even independents now need good quality tech or they will be squeezed out by competitors who know how to use systems to give themselves the edge.


"Adapt or die" - in business this has always been the case. In retail, it would be great not to hear the usual whining about the "evil" internet next time something goes wrong.


Robert

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Monday, 5 November 2012

My Beefy Bug Bear




One of my recent annoyances is the dumbing down of cuts of beef sold in supermarkets. What I mean by this exactly is the way “they” have decided that we are too stupid to know what the various lumps are called and therefore wouldn't have a clue as to what to do with them. 

How dare they? Oh but hang on, “they” may well have a small point here. 

I know there are many of you out there who actually don't know what to do with the different cuts of beef, and there are so many. Maybe like me you have sat down at somebody's dinner table and fought your way through a Brisket that they've cooked the same way you cook a Fore Rib, wishing you either had teeth like a Pit Bull or at the very least that there was a dog sitting under the table. 

But how has this come to be? Whose fault is it? As I write this there is a little voice inside me whispering that this could be a classic case of the “Chicken or Egg” situation. Many of you will be shouting “Blame the parents” and maybe many will be thinking wistfully back to Home Economics Classes and the sad fact that this lesson is woefully under taught in Secondary Schools; my two have recently done the 3 terms that I think is the minimum length stated on the curriculum. Please let me know in the comments section at the end of this post if this is wrong so I can amend it. 

When I was at school, a girls’ school, there were no Cooking Lessons, they told us, “If you want to learn to cook ask your mother” So I did and my father too. But what if I had no one to ask or they didn't know either? Then the obvious answer is to ask the Butcher, after all he is the main meat man. But people don't ask him, which is such a shame, he loves telling anyone and everyone about his meat, it's his passion and besides it pays his bills. Apart from the obvious reason of the convenience of mooching up and down the pre-packaged meat aisle at the local supermarket, mindlessly picking up something that looks good, a very expensive way to shop I might add, why have we abandoned our local butcher with all his knowledge and usually his witty banter and gay repartee? (you don't get much of that in Tescos et al)

Obviously time constraints and convenience play a huge part but I think mainly we are embarrassed by our lack of knowledge; who hasn't stood in a butchers and panicked, finally stammering out, “...oh a pound of sausages please” instead of that special joint for a special day, then charged back to the anonymity of a plastic boxed “Roasting Joint” in the nearest supermarket?
Which brings me nicely to my Beefy Bug Bear. How on earth are people supposed to learn how to recognise, understand and therefore cook beef successfully when all the beef sold in supermarkets, apart from the really well known pieces like Fillet, Rump, Topside etc. is labelled in such a loose terminology? Roasting Joint is one, oh and my favourite? Frying Steak! Have you any idea how many steaks there are you can fry? Loads, loads and loads; I don't know about you but I want to know which bit of the beast I'm cooking, is it Chuck, Skirt or maybe Flank? This is so important because it does make a difference both in texture and flavour.  Also “they” seem to think that all we want is bright red beef, what's that about?

A well hung piece of beef is not scarlet. In their wisdom the supermarkets inject it with nitrogen to make it look “pretty”.  Hanging beef is essential to mature it, ensuring that it is tender and flavourful; try poking it with your finger it should dent easily and not bounce back. A good indicator of the meat having gone through this process is the colour; as a guide if it is a similar colour to a British/European passport the chances are it has been hung for at least 14-21 days. Don’t be worried about the thought of it hanging around that long, this is done under strict conditions and is in no way harmful, quite the opposite.  

So do try your butcher next time, the best thing is just to tell him what your occasion is, a roast, a meal for two but quick to cook, a BBQ, a one pot mid-week meal for ravenous teens. Ask what the cheap cuts are, you'll be amazed how easy to cook and how far a pound of shin of beef can be stretched to feed a family of four. He'll love telling you, sharing his knowledge, as you will when one of yours asks you what to do with a bit of beef one day. Find a good butcher and not one with lots of pre-packed meat but one which also sells the local produce of other small enterprising food producers like eggs and cheese. My two local butchers even know where the cows come from…although one didn’t know which field.

 This piece will tell you all that you need to know about the joy that is Shin of Beef. http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/wordofmouth/2011/feb/03/how-cook-perfect-beef-stew

So use your butcher or lose him; ask him what's particularly nice that week, ask him how to cook it. Get on his good side and you may, just may, get offered that beautifully aged and hung piece of Hanger Steak he was keeping back for his dinner. It's not known as “Butcher's Steak” for nothing you know.

Follow this link to a good site for explaining different methods of cooking different meats, there is a lot out there to help you, it took me seconds to stumble over this one purely by typing in “How to cook British Beef” 

Clare

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Sunday, 4 November 2012

October Review

Well hello everyone. We have just completed our first full calender month and boy has it been a busy one with 9 blogs posted including two from guest writers.

This brings me to the biggest news of the month. @clareyh wrote this for us on the subject of nits. - http://ilikebeingrightfb.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/guest-blog-clareyh-bring-back-nit-nurse.html - It was so popularand so good we asked to to join the team. Her next piece, on another homely subject, will be out soon.

My personal choice for the month would be Simons piece on Political apathy. - http://ilikebeingrightfb.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/ive-contracted-political-apaty-and-its.html - This has so much feeling and is a warning to our ruling elite about what can happen to even the most enthuseiastic political watchers.

S did a piece on our old chum Red Ed and his sponsored walk with his Union comrades. - http://ilikebeingrightfb.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/red-ed-rides-again.html - Nothing else I need to say on this one, we all know about the walk which, lets be honest, had a pathetic compared to marches past.

Me, well I did two very different blogs and took some abuse on twitter for one of them. However I am not mentioning that one again but my most recent piece on the big gamble the coalition made. - http://ilikebeingrightfb.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/spin-wheel-boys.html - It was scary writing in this style but I enjoyed it.

I hope you are enjoying our work, November is going to be great!


Robert

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Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Spin the wheel boys

So, ladies and gentlemen, it's been a busy time politically, and I think it's because bets that were placed after the election results are starting to play out. Yes - I said bets.  Let me explain.

No one expected the Lib Dems and the Conservatives to form a coalition - they had way too many fundamental differences - but they did. Whatever you may feel about their leaders, members or policies, you have to have some respect for the fact that they decided to put the country's economic problems before party politics. But this was the key: the economy. The coalition will live or die based on economic success, and this is the gamble. Imagine you're in a casino and go to the roulette table. Standing there are David Cameron and Nick Clegg. They both reach into their pockets and pull out an envelope; inside are their parties' hopes at the next general election, and they put it all on black.


This seemed like a huge gamble - they could do anything and none of it would matter with the Euro zone economy also in the casino, throwing all the money in the slot machine with Van Rompey sitting there, crying into his massive coin cup, with only half a dozen coins in the bottom and his German loan shark ready to break his legs. But bet they did, and from the start things were not looking good. Opposite Nick and Dave on the table was Ed Miliband. He turned up late with a huge stack of chips from his comrades in the Unions. He was a ruthless gambler, leaving his brother in the gutter on his way to the high rollers' table. He placed everything on red, on the economic plans of the coalition failing miserably. During this early time the ball bounced around but never went near black. Ed got excited - he would taunt the hapless Nick and Dave opposite him. Inflation up, GDP down, the weight of the bet weighing upon them. But, things changed...



Ed had to change taunts, picking on one of Dave's minders for saying a naughty word (can you fu**ing believe it?), picking on Dave's accountant over a problem with a ticket (forgetting that he paid the fine) and inciting class warfare. Ed has fewer millions than Dave, and that practically means he was a chimney-sweep boy. Ed was scared. The ball had started to bounce around on black: GDP up, inflation down, unemployment down. Ed is now starting to sweat - he needs the economy to fail so he can win, and it's better to discredit the men placing the bets opposite him so that even if the ball lands on black, people will think they cheated or something.

So the table is starting to slow its spin, any jolt will change the result, and Ed looks ill. His taunts are landing but he knows none of it matters if black comes in. Dave and Nick are starting to relax and for the first time in two years are feeling lucky. Where is your money?


Robert


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